


Mirror, Mirror

by CQueen



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M, Mirror of Erised
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-10-20 13:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17623688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CQueen/pseuds/CQueen
Summary: The Mirror of Erised shows you what you desire most.  But what one wants most can change over time.  A fact Albus Dumbledore knows all too well.





	1. Show Me

Disclaimer: As always nothing but the original characters and situations belong to me. Everything else belongs to someone else.

Lyrics from Mirror by Justin Timberlake

Show Me

The First Time

'Aren't you something to admire, 'cause your shine is something like a mirror  
And I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine  
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find  
Just know that I'm always parallel on the other side.' 

Blinking hard and fast seventeen-year-old Albus Dumbledore ran down the hallway with no particular destination in mind. All he cared about was that his feet take him as far away from Peter Brown as possible. And that no one saw him, since he'd die of the shame and embarrassment if anyone were to see him with teary eyes and no semblance of composure. Merlin, he'd been so stupid. Such a fool. No...there were no words, Albus abruptly decided. Nary a one that could truly and most accurately express just how wrong he'd been to ever hope, much less believe that the beautiful boy he'd so admired for six wasted years would ever look at him. Want him. Awkward, skinny, pale as a ghost Albus Dumbledore. Smart only when it came to books and spells and destined never to know anything besides them. Never to see the world no matter what Doge and he had planned. He'd never know love or...or even the touch of another man's lips on his own. That's how repulsive and wrong he was. Because even if the impossible were possible, and he could find a man who would, for reasons that currently escaped him, even just desire him...this was a world that would never allow that to be. Not in the open. Not for all the world to know as his friends had. As he most desperately wanted.

Oh how Albus wanted to be wanted.

Stopping to rest a hand on the cold stone of the wall, he was out of breath already, curse it, Albus looked behind him to make sure that he was still alone at the very least. He was fairly sure that Peter had been far too engrossed in kissing that Hufflepuff girl to even notice Albus stumbling upon them, but the idea that even a ghost was bearing witness to his humiliation was too much to-

Hold on. What was that door doing there?

As a seventh year student, former prefect, AND now Head Boy Albus had spent considerable time wandering these hallways, learning every inch of it. At this point he knew what was where save for the stairs which were always moving. And there had definitely, in all those years, never been a door there.

Pushing his glasses up his nose with his free hand, Albus considered it for a minute or so of caution before pushing away from the wall and slowly approaching the mysterious door that had popped up in the week or so since he'd last been this way. Drawing his wand just to be on the safe side, one could never be sure in the Magical World, Albus reached out and turned the knob of the door with the other.

It turned without protest. Not locked.

Truly intrigued now Albus stuck his head in just enough to confirm that there was no one inside and then stepped in to take a further look at the mysterious room.

A room that was empty, save for a mirror.

A mirror who, once he got slightly closer to it, Albus recognized from a book on famous Hogwarts artefacts.

"The Mirror of Erised."

There were plenty of ornate, decorative mirrors in the school of course, but the inscription on the frame gave it away. Studying the words Albus shook his head over the fact that many, if not most people who attempt to read it would surmise that it was a dead language of some sort. Minds too small and linear to see that in truth, the inscription was in English. It was only written backward and with odd spacing to further distract and confuse. But if read correctly the truth, and the mirror's purpose, was revealed.

"I show not your face but your heart's desire."

What would he see, were he to move closer?

Would he see himself as Minister of Magic? With some handsome youth gazing at him lovingly, perhaps, uncaring that anyone might see. Rich and famous and known the world over for his intelligence, abilities, and character.

Or would he be so vain and small minded that he'd see himself no longer cursed with horrible, veiny white skin, ugly red hair, and a body that remained scrawny and without definition no matter how he might wish it otherwise. Which were all things he knew intellectually he could change through magic easily enough, but he would always know it was a lie. As so much of his life and who he presented himself as to the world so often felt like a lie.

And no good could come of looking into that mirror, Albus told himself as he stayed just out of its line of 'vision'. Because it showed you what you wanted, not what you could have. Some of his desires were possible, yes, but in his heart of hearts Albus knew that what he wanted most could never be. His family was irrevocably broken. And he would never have someone that was his and his alone to make a new one with.

He'd been hurt and disappointed enough tonight.

Decision made Albus whirled around on his heels, his long red braid flying out behind him as he determinedly marched back to the door and let himself out again, closing the door firmly behind him. Would have locked it behind him if there'd been a key to do so with. As it was Albus made a mental note to tell the Headmaster that the mirror really shouldn't be on display where some unknowing student could come across it.

It could drive a person mad after all. Seeing and wanting what they could never hope to have.

)

The Second Time

'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul  
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go  
Just put your hand on the glass, I'm here trying to pull you through  
You just gotta be strong.'

When Gellert's aunt had announced that she had a wonderful surprise for them Albus really hadn't known what to expect. Madam Bathilda Bagshot was a very kind woman, and interesting enough to talk to, but she had proven herself to be woefully ignorant when it came to what interested men their age, much less of their considerable intelligence. Case in point, a few weeks ago she'd bought Gellert a journal with a flower pattern inside. His friend had impressed him to no end with how calmly and 'delightfully' he'd accepted the gift despite the fact that most boys would have refused it and hurt their aunt's feelings. But not Gellert.

Though Albus was pretty sure that he didn't want to know what Gellert had done with it afterwards.

It had been kind of her to invite him as well, even if she insisted on keeping the point of the Ministry visit a surprise from them. Like they were children, Gellert had muttered under his breath. But at least this would give Gellert an opportunity to see the Ministry, which was something he had expressed some interest in doing. Albus could have cared less about seeing it or the surprise, but was happy to go because...because of Gellert. He'd do pretty much anything for him. To have an excuse to be with him. He was a fool, and it was a struggle every minute of the day to hide the depths of his feelings for Gellert, but it was worth it just to be able to call the other boy his friend. His closest friend. The only person Albus had ever met with intelligence to equal his own. And this beautiful, brilliant, charming and perfect boy had chosen him to call friend in return. To be his partner in revolutionizing the Wizarding World and saving it from its ignorance. Remove the blinder and show them-

"Ta da!"

Blinking into awareness, and reminded that he wasn't alone and shouldn't be getting lost in his own head again, Albus focused on Madam Bagshot and what she was gesturing at now that she'd opened the door that had stood between them and whatever her big surprise was.

"The Mirror of Erised."

The older woman stared at him in shocked surprise. "How on earth did you know that, Albus?"

"I...I saw it once at Hogwarts."

"Oh." For a moment she looked a tad put out, but brightened as she beamed a smile in Gellert's direction. "My very good friend Alby Gillyford told me all about it. A visiting historian asked to see it, it seems, and it was brought here to the Ministry for convenience. I asked if I could bring you boys with me to see it, since I know how interested you both are in rare, magical artefacts."

"This is the mirror that shows you your deepest desire, correct? What you want most in your life?"

Surprised to hear a hint of interest in Gellert's voice, Albus looked at him while his friend's aunt babbled away about the mirror and its history as they walked into the room to get a closer look.

Given that history was the love of her life she knew quite a lot, and lectured them for about ten minutes of the subject before her friend, Gillyford, stuck his head in and apologized for interrupting her. He just needed to borrow her for a few minutes for something. A disagreement between colleagues that he was sure she could settle.

"Of course, of course. Now you boys check out the mirror, see what there is to see." She gave them a ridiculous wink and grin. "After all, what we think we want and desire most is not always the case. Just don't stare too long. I'll be back before you know it."

Albus watched her leave, the door carefully closed behind her. Then he turned back to see Gellert approaching the mirror with a thoughtful look on his face.

Curious, Albus came forward too while keeping carefully out of the mirror's range. Not that that would affect what either of them saw in the mirror's depths. One only saw one's own desires. It was small comfort to know that if Gellert insisted on Albus trying the mirror, the unknowing love of his life wouldn't know that it was Gellert he would see with him there.

For a couple of minutes Gellert just stared into the mirror, not saying a word or acknowledging him in any way. Then a sound, almost like a growl, left Gellert's lips as he stared at the pane of glass and glared. He seemed...furious over what he saw there.

"Gellert?"

"This is not what I desire most. This is...this is." Gellert's head whipped around to look at him searchingly before turning back to glare at what to Albus looked like the other man's reflection. "You aren't close enough or at the right angle." Gellert continued, speaking in German now. So low Albus had to strain to hear and understand him. "How...it's defective. It must have been broken in transport or something. This is not...where is my victory? My revolution? Why would it show me..."

If it was true that Gellert didn't see his revolution and his plans coming to fruition than the mirror had to have been damaged. There was nothing Gellert wanted more than to save the world from itself. Though why would his own position matter unless-

"Albus. Stand here. Tell me what you see."

Stomach bursting with butterflies, as much from dread of discovery as from lust at the way Gellert had growled the commanding words, Albus nodded automatically, unable not to obey as he obediently came over to stand before the mirror while Gellert moved aside.

Taking a deep breath Albus straightened his shoulders and braced for what the mirror would possibly reveal, whether it be true or false. Either way he was prepared to lie with all the skill and cunning he possessed if it worked.

For a moment or two Albus saw simply his reflection staring back at him. Then Gellert appeared at his side, their two figures joining hands like it was the most natural thing for them to do. Then they were turning to face each other, the look on Mirror Gellert's face...

It was his most desperate and secret wish for Gellert to look at him like that. With love, naked and there for all to see as Gellert looked at him. And only him. He truest and deepest desire, Albus acknowledged as his heart ached with the pain of it. With wanting this to be true while knowing that it was not nor would ever be.

And then to add insult to injury Albus watched as his reflection and the other Gellert both magically lost their shirts, wrapping each other up in an embrace while their lips met and clung to each other's in an intimate kiss that set his cheeks aflame. And that was before their hands started moving possessively over each other's bare torsos.

Gellert's demand to know what he saw shocked Albus enough that he would have most likely fallen backward and onto his rear if Gellert's hand hadn't shot out to grab and support him.

"Well? What did you see? It's broken, isn't it?"

"Perhaps? It's hard to say. What I saw was something I desired...but not what I desire most." God, he was too rattled to lie. Albus wanted to smack himself upside the head. Here he was, the finest and most accomplished student to ever graduate from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and that was the best response his brain had come up with? Ugh.

Seeing Gellert open his mouth to comment, Albus thought fast and blurted out the only 'counter curse' he could think of.

"What did you see?"

Albus had never seen Gellert blush, but there was definite color in his friend's cheeks now.

"Nevermind that. It was wrong. That's the point."

And so saying Gellert turned and marched towards the door, Albus watching him go for a stunned moment before running after him, confused and...curious.

Just what had Gellert seen in the Mirror of Erised?


	2. A Reflection of Me

A Reflection of Me

 

The Third Time

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now  
I'm looking right at the other half of me  
The vacancy that sat in my heart  
Is a space that now you hold'

Albus supposed it was too much to ask, that the Ministry make his latest fashion accessory remotely appealing to its wearer. He was a little sorry he hadn't thought to make such a comment while the ministry's minions were still in the castle to hear it. He could have done with the break in the tension. Oh well, they had made it quite clear they'd be back to check on him. He'd have to say something then. If he was still wearing the bracelet at that point. He wanted it off sooner rather than later. Especially since he had a number of balls in the air he'd rather they didn't know about.

Grimacing at the thought of what would happen if he lost control of those balls Albus mentally pushed it aside for the moment. Something he regretted instantly as his next thought was his beyond stupid remark that he and Gellert had been closer than brothers. What, by all the magic in the world, had he been thinking to say that?

He'd been thinking about Gellert. About the past. About what was to come.

Swiping a hand over his face, eyes closing as those thoughts brought him back to his conversation with Leta which meant he was thinking about Arian-No.

No. He couldn't think about her right now.

Because of course it was all right to think about Gellert but not his sister, Albus thought, self-loathing burning like fiendfyre in his stomach. Had he learned nothing? Was he still such a wretched, selfish creature? Had everything he'd done to make amends and improve his character all been for nothing? He didn't deserve to live while Ariana was dead. She deserved to live more than the man he'd become. The world would have been a better place if he'd been the one to receive the killing curse, not her. If he hadn't been the one who'd caused it somehow in the first-he'd never meant-

Old grief. Never-ending and crippling grief had Albus stumbling for a moment, the sound of his hand slapping against the stone of the wall echoing in the empty hallway.  
And looking around to confirm that he was indeed alone, a lifetime of hiding himself from others so long ingrained it was pure instinct at this point, Albus saw that he was alone. And also recognized exactly where his feet had taken him during his 'aimless' walk to gather and order his thoughts.

Of course.

"You deserve this." He told himself, starting forward with determined strides that became an outright run, his anger and self-hatred fueling him every step of the way. He wasn't even out of breath when four minutes later he opened the door to the room he'd avoided since the moment he'd learned that it was the current home of that which he'd come to punish himself with.

Marching up to the Mirror, which was covered by black cloth, Albus reached up and yanked the material down, instinctively looking at the stone flooring. He knew that he wouldn't want to see what the Mirror would show him. Because as much as he wanted to believe he'd see his family whole, or Gellert defeated...

Slowly taking a couple of steps back Albus forced himself to look up and watch as his younger self appeared, then Gellert.

It was instinctive to smile at the sight of the man he still loved, Albus's lips curving of their own volition as he remembered the moment he was being shown. Remembered how much it had meant to him. How he'd seen it as them taking vows to each other. Proof of how much they BOTH meant to each other. Gellert promising never to harm him. That on top of the thrill that Gellert considered him his equal, someone he could lose to if they were to fight...

Their hands entwining. Joining. As they joined their blood and made a pact. A forever promise. Proof of their love and devotion to each other.

What a fool he'd been.

Too in love to see just why Gellert would want to bind him in that way.

And what sort of coward was he, that he was grateful that blood promise had come to pass. That if nothing else he could fall back on it as an excuse as to why he couldn't confront Gellert directly. When the truth was he feared the day would come when the vow was broken and he had no choice but to do what his heart feared he someday must.

He would learn once and for all, perhaps, just which of them had sent Ariana to her grave.

And he would know, once and for all...if Gellert could kill him himself. Not through proxy or his manipulation of events and people. But kill him himself without regret or hesitation. Because he couldn't kill Gellert. There wasn't a flicker of doubt about that in Albus's mind. So if one of them had to die upon the battlefield by the other's hand...

Staring at the reflection of Gellert in the Mirror, no longer the boy but the man, Albus saw both the love of his life...and his most likely executioner.

)

Fourth Time

'It's like you're my mirror  
My mirror staring back at me  
I couldn't get any bigger  
With anyone else beside of me  
And now it's clear as this promise  
That we're making two reflections into one'

For a variety of reasons Albus had always avoided overindulging when it came to alcoholic beverages. Even as a young man when such things were expected of him and his peers Albus had never allowed himself to be swayed regardless of the occasion or the fact that his brother owned a bar of all things. One slip of the tongue and his whole world could have been shattered. His secrets needed to remain hidden.

Shattered, Albus mentally repeated to himself. That struck him as a good word to describe how he was feeling right now. Not that he'd been whole in a very long time. In fact, as he sat on the cold stone floor alone and depressed, Albus wondered if he'd ever been whole in the first place or if he'd always been damaged. Born flawed in some way that his mind, for all its brilliance, had failed to uncover. Or perhaps on some level he'd known and hiding it from his conscious self had been his mind's way of protecting him from seeing what he truly was.

It was a philosophical question Albus judged himself too intoxicated to answer at the moment.

"Just look at the great Albus Dumbledore, the savior of the Wizarding World." Albus told the covered mirror that he sat in front of, gesturing wildly with the nearly empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. "The greatest wizard to ever live. The man who dueled the dark wizard Grindelwald and lived to tell the tale!"

Gellert

Drawing his knees up against his chest like a child Albus leaned forward, resting his head against them with his eyes closed. A mistake on his part as the duel in question immediately began playing out behind Albus's no doubt bloodshot eyes. Like one of those Muggle films he'd seen out of curiosity years before. Every slash and wand gesture, every blow delivered and received. Every drop of blood spilled.

As boys he and Gellert had never dueled each other. Had never pit themselves against the other. Gellert had never asked and of course he'd never even thought to suggest such a thing. Hurt Gellert? The very idea went against every fiber of his being. Every beat of his heart.

And what had happened with Ariana didn't count as a duel. The only similarity was the fact that the outcome of that fight had left him just as self-hating, grieving, and bereft.

That it should hurt just as much showed Albus clearly just how flawed and selfish he still was. Gellert and his followers had become a plague upon the Magical and Muggle world. They'd been murdering innocents, showing no remorse or understanding of the atrocities they were committing for 'The Greater Good'. They'd had to be stopped. Should have been stopped long ago. He should have stopped them long ago. Should have found a way and the strength to face Gellert once and for all. To end him because Albus had no illusions when it came to the Wizarding World's ability to keep Gellert imprisoned and confined. Maybe they would manage what to him seemed the impossible, at least in the short term...but for how long?

Killing Gellert would have been the right thing to do. Not just because it would have ended it, but it would have also meant sparing Gellert a life of imprisonment. Of being confined and kept away from the books and magic that he loved so dearly. Gellert would have preferred death.

Albus wished he could say that he'd chosen to capture Gellert alive because he'd wanted to give the man time to realize the errors of his ways. To show remorse and redeem himself enough to save his soul from utter damnation. And while that was a very small part of it...the truth was he could no more kill the love of his life than he could end this too often cursed world they lived in.

Opening his eyes to stare without seeing any aspect of the room around him, Albus's mind skipped over the rest of the duel to focus on that moment. That moment when he'd stood over Gellert in victory. Stood there and met Gellert's eyes and...and Gellert had looked back at him and spoken words he would never forget before his lover had slipped into unconsciousness.

'I think I knew you'd be the end of me. When I saw you in that mirror.'

The words echoing in his ears over and over again like a curse he could never escape Albus roared his grief and rage into the silent room, throwing the whiskey bottle at the mirror with all his strength before collapsing onto the floor.

Weeping. Mourning. Always alone.

)  
Many Times Later

'Now you're the inspiration for this precious song  
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on  
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone  
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home  
Just to let you know, you are, you are the love of my life.'

Albus had yet to decide if Fate had done Harry a kindness or been cruel to introduce him to The Mirror of Erised. The room it was normally kept in was off-limits to students, he'd seen to that over his tenure as headmaster. But recently the storage room had been damaged magically when another item residing there had 'woken up' and caused a minor explosion. Until the room and magical artifacts were repaired new homes had had to be found for things. Naturally the house elves had thought nothing of returning the mirror to its original home, and thus Harry had stumbled across it.

He'd had it moved once he'd discovered Harry's nightly visits to it. Few knew better than he the damage it could cause even knowing the truth of what it showed you. The lies it told, however sweetly. And while he'd spent decades ignoring the damn thing's existence whenever possible Harry's encounter with it and their subsequent conversation on the matter had led to an idea that had stuck in Albus's mind until he could no longer ignore it. And while he'd sooner be locked in a small room with Fudge for hours a week than have anything to do with The Mirror of Erised...he had to do everything in his power to ensure that no one, most especially Voldemort, could get his hands on the Philosopher's Stone.  
It was a genius idea, one of his best in recent years. He'd worked it all out beforehand to avoid contact with the mirror, wanting all his ducks lined up in a row as they said so that he didn't have to look upon it for longer than he had to.

For a moment-and likely a result of his mind trying to protect him from what was to come-Albus found his thoughts diverted as he remembered Harry asking him what he saw in the mirror, shaking his head as he recalled his flippant and categorically untrue response. But it was not as if he could tell the boy the truth...and was still keeping far worse secrets from him.

Harry

Pushing aside all thoughts of Lily and James' son for the moment, they could and would haunt him later regardless, Albus took a deep, calming breath and then stepped in front of the mirror that had haunted him for decades. As always his eyes closed automatically, self-preservation keeping them closed for several more breathes before Albus finally found the will to force them open and stare down whatever reminder of Gellert he was about to see.

He was always there.

Albus look and watched as he appeared. That foolish, lovestruck boy he'd once been beaming back at him from within the glass. Nose unbroken, eyes unshattered, happiness radiating from him in a way it never had in life. And as always Gellert appeared at him side, just as young and happy looking as he slid his arm around young Albus's waist, making the mirage of himself smile that much wider.

And then...oh Merlin.

His old knees all but giving out on him, Albus could only stare as Ariana appeared on his other side, a young Aberforth beside her. Both smiling and-and there were his parents behind them. Not as he'd last seen them, but from before. Before they'd lost everything. Faces unlined and smiles on their faces as his father reached out to set paternal hands on his and Gellert's shoulders, his mother doing the same to Ariana and Aberforth. Uniting them. Joining them together in a picture of a happy family. Whole and untouched by rage, grief and decades of unending guilt.

His greatest desire.

"Yes. This. This is what I wanted."

Placing his old, withered hands on the mirror pane Albus stared into its depths and let himself, just for now, look at his heart's desire and believe, however foolish it was, that perhaps someday, in another life and time, it was possible.

Either way...he could live with this staring back at him. With desiring this.

It was the best he could hope for.

The End


End file.
